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-Motivating-Inspiring-Entertaining-Educating-Enlightening-........................................................................................................Best Viewed With Internet Explorer! |
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Daily Tip:
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Denial: Of paramount importance, one must realise when it is time to finally admit that it is over and your partner really isn't coming back. It is known as the denial stage and it's only when we accept our predicament can we start to deal with it an eventually recover from it. In any form of emotional pain, we will do anything to take it away, even if it is for a second, by driving past their workplace just to get a glimpse of their car outside. It is natural for us to want to do this to almost reassure ourselves that the person is still somehow part of our lives. Unfortunately, this behaviour is the one thing that will prevent us from moving on in our lives, even if it does relieve the pain, it stops us accepting the reality of what has happened. Only when we have accepted the truth, can we follow the natural stages of grief. Depression: For most of us, the acceptance of our situation is followed by a stage of depression and feelings of hopelessness and this is probably |
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"The sooner you can reach the anger stage, the better as when you are here, you can see light at the end of the tunnel. If you feel betrayed and used by your ex, then by all means feel anger for them as you can use this anger constructively to counter negative thoughts"
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the hardest stage of the process. It will be a stage where it is difficult to resume your normal social and work activities without difficulty, however during this time keep reminding yourself that this stage is only temporary and however difficult things may be now, they WILL get better. Try to remember a time in your life when you were contented and in control of things and use that as a benchmark for how you will be again. There will be bad days and better days, but during a bad patch, keep telling yourself that that's all it is…a bad patch that will pass. I have often noticed during my own grief that certain thought patterns seem to trigger off bad feelings and also that more positive thinking relieves the pain too. During this realisation, I decided to write down all the awful thoughts I was having and for each one I wrote down a counter statement to negate it. Now each time one of those negative thoughts appears I automatically counter it with a positive one. Anger: I often say that the sooner you can reach the anger stage, the better as when you are here, you can see light at the end of the tunnel. If you feel betrayed and used by your ex, then by all means feel anger for them as you can use this anger constructively to counter negative thoughts. During this stage, you finally can allow yourself to focus on the negative aspects of the relationship without the fear of being disloyal. It may be that you were unable to do certain things in your relationship because your partner disapproved. Well now is the time to start doing those things again. This whole process is part of the re-integration of |
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yourself as little by little your life starts to redevelop and the birth of a new, stronger you emerges. Acceptance The final stage of the grieving process is acceptance. You can finally tell yourself that it is over and it really was the best thing. You recognize the shortcomings in the relationship and the obvious incompatibilities. You are finally able to think about your ex without all the pain and emotion that you had previously. You can reflect on what you have been through and almost feel grateful for the journey of self discovery you have had. The things you have learnt about yourself and your behaviour in relationships have been invaluable and you are now ready to take this forward in to a new, more stable and functional relationship. Dealing with Unfinished Business: In order to start meeting people, its best if most resentments from the past are eliminated, first. For many singles this is a piece of relationship advice that may be an enormous challenge, but the courage and openness it takes to deal with any unfinished business in your emotional history will create the kind of space in your life required to invite in someone new. To better understand the unfinished business in your life, review the following questions, keeping in mind the people’s names that come out of this list may not necessarily be just former partners: Is there anyone I need to apologize to, send thanks, or seek resolution with? What resentment, anger, fear, hurt, grief, or pain comes to mind when thinking of people I’ve had any kind of relationship with? If a friend were to mention someone’s name in passing, would there be a negative physical response to their name coming up in conversation? For instance your heart sinks or something gets caught in your throat. Are there any conclusions I’ve made about who I am as a person from these interactions that require further investigation? Depending on your past experiences, your answers to these questions may be brief or lengthy. Don’t be surprised if the list of people increases as you work through this unfinished business or have more time to ponder them. Making Apologies: If you’ve held on to guilt about a specific relationship or something you did for a number of years, wouldn’t it be a relief to let that burden go? Even if you have no interest in making contact with this person again (or can’t because they’ve moved away or passed on), there are many ways to say you’re sorry that have enough meaning for you to move on with your life. Writing a detailed apology on a piece of paper that you later burn, enshrine, or put into a helium-filled balloon and let waft into the sky are all ideas to try. Dealing with Conflicts Not Yet Resolved: Go back and look at the questions you answered above, and prioritize the people that you want to clear the air with in order of the most straightforward to deal with to the most difficult or complex. Then, write a letter to this person telling them you’d like to meet. Your letter could be something as simple as, “You’ve been on my mind of late, and I feel strongly that we need to get together to talk about what happened. Please know that I have no intentions here other than to talk and try to come to terms with our conflicts. I’d like nothing more for both of us to be able to think of the other without any negative feelings.” Send your letter to the first person on your list, keeping in mind it may come as a shock to the receiver. If they don’t respond in a couple of weeks, then take the time to write out everything you wanted to say to them in person so that at least you can move on. Or, if the person asks for no contact whatsoever, write the letter anyway and dispose of it using a method that both honors the intended receiver and your memory of them. Don’t forget to include the following ideas and thoughts in your letter:
Grieving: You’ll know that you’ve grieved to completion about a person or a relationship when you can remember the experience with only peace in your heart. This also means not feeling intense loneliness night upon seeing your empty bed or crying when finding something of theirs unexpectedly. Each person grieves on their own timeline and in their own way. There are no guidelines to follow, only the knowledge that when you’ve worked through your grief you’ll be a better person for the experience
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Author: Fred |
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Anything the other person did to make you feel loved, appreciated, special, or -anything else positive that came from the interaction;